The Worst Thing I've Lost is Myself

I'm 22 years old. I've lived in the Valley all my life. I was diagnosed with ADHD (Attention Deficit Disorder) when I was in Grade 2. They put me on Ritalin. I hated that shit. They tried Dexedrine too; I hated that too.

When I was 11, I started sniffing Ritalin. It's different than swallowing it. You get high. Sometimes I'd sniff 45 pills a day. I'd steal it from the cupboard and stock up. I couldn't eat and it caused this clicking in my ears. My Mom thought I was bi-polar. They tried all kinds of pills from the time I was 13 — Paxil, Zoloft, Prozac.

I had been drinking since I was 11. I'd steal my parents' booze or money and get some. Then I started smoking pot. I got it from a friend in Hosmer. You don't get high the first time you do pot, but after you do. I smoked pot and did LSD. I tried anything really. I always said I'd never touch crack.

When I was 15, I cut myself with a knife. It took 25 stitches to close my wrist. They sent me away after that. I went to secure treatment in Alberta. I know I was an alcoholic by then, still am now. I stayed in treatment for 59 days. I smoked pot the day I got out. I had tried coke when I was 14 once but I didn't like it. I started using it again about 2 years ago. A gram would last me 2 days. The people I used with would say, “She should be on crack, she's fresh.” They cooked me some up. We used it in a car. I had my first hoot then. They threw me out of the car. I didn't see what it was all about. So I tried it again. That's when I was hooked.

The last 2 years have been the hardest. The dealers are violent. I had a gun put to my head for money I owed. Another time I went to the dealer's and he beat on me then made me have sex with him. But you know what? I went back there the very next day for more drugs. I've seen people in the Valley who have lost everything. The worst thing I've lost is myself. With crack, you want there to be enough on the table to drown in. One hoot is too many and 1,000 is never enough.